>.

I’ve walked alone for a long time
Only looking down on the roads.

One day, He has shown to me at a corner of my ways,
He was pointing the way for me who had no idea of the right path to go, and led me to teh way holding my hand.

The firsth time fo walking with Him was so joyful tht I walked with delight.

That way, however, was very long.
It was tiring adn my feet hurts.
Others seems to walk easily and fast,
I looked upon Him,
I asked Him to cary me by Himself, but???

He jsut walked without saying anything holding my hand.
I saw many beautiful things beside my road
Though shook His head.
I tried more and more to become free from His hand,
escaping from Him,

I saw HIm getting further behind me.
I tried not to turn back to see
and as time goes by,
my memory faded away.

I had many peple who indulge me and rode speed cars
but teh day become darkened.
The bright lights turned off one by one.
Those which mande me pleasant were getting stopped.

My feet were so weakened
It was very hard to walk alone
I turned my head up

He was reaching His hands to me.
Silently at the back side of me.
Just as He was as the first time.

I’m walking the old ways once again.
There would be many hills ahead of that way.
Ther might be many things that can turn my eyes into
But I will not take His hands away.
Because I know that my hands are bound wth Him tightly
who is walking with me.  =)

*This story looks familiar huh? When I first watched the flash and read this story, my heart somehow asked that very question. "Doesn’t this story somehow reflects you and God?"
I started to think deeply of my relationship with God. Have I forgotten all the grace and mercy that God has cherrished me once before? Somehow, towards some extent, I have. But He had never stoped that grace from over flowing out from me.
Oh Dearest Heavenly Dad, I am very sorry to dissappoint You sometimes. But You have made it so clear to me that, Your love to me, have no end. Even the seas may dried up, the stones may rotten, Your great love never fails. Even when times I am walking further up in pace from You, you have never leave me. You were always there for me, readily to pick me up either broken or in whole, back into Your arms again. Oh Heavenly Father, I love You. For the days ahead of me, I want to my hands to bound with Yours forevermore, and not letting it go again. I want my every moment, walking just with You, Lord. Amen..

Sometime we think facts are cruel. unable to recognize it until the very last moment. unwilling to accept it until you realise you have no more options. it is much more of a strong cut fact when it tries to pop it out from ur mind, to ur mouth and you just try very hard using lies to press it down, hide him away, stock it up or rather, eat it alive.

today, its his birthday. after talking to him last nite. i realise i cannot cover that fact. covering the fact, just builds up a higher wall betwee us. unable to reach out, see out nor build up  for each other. using all my might to cover that so called fact just made it spurs up and give me deeper wounds. torturing myself, lying to myself and made me don’t have the guts to speak it up. overly concern that as i let it out, it will bind me in a small black box. i hate it.

after a chat with him last nite. i tell myself about the true facts. i started recognizing it. understnading it. thinking about it. trying to know how bad can recognizing the facts can be like. it wasn’t bad at all. after recognizing it. I felt calm. released. letting it out, didn bind me up. it went away. i dont want to lie to myself, torture myself, nor let him torture me anymore. Is it really hard to tell out the truth? not so. say what i wanted to say, hear what i needed to hear and do what i am suppose to do. recognizing the truth and fact is not so bad after all. hiding it here and there, just made things go bad between us. what more to say, building a high wall, stronger barriers between us to speak up.

=) if the one i am mentioning, is reading this, i am here to tell u. i crossed the line, tried to step back and re-drawing the line. but i’ve realised yesterday, the line is still behind me. having to know the line is there, doesn’t prove anything. but now that i am recognizing this fact proves me something. i have never did start to build this wall. you are the basis construction of this wall. you started it and now i am breaking the wall down. acknowledging myself. and i dont’ care a damn whether you like it or not. coz i realise now i actually sustain more courage than u, king.

12 January 07′
Esther

2007 -

hI everyone~ it has really been a while since i last update my blog. I fairly admit that, I’ve tried to post some blogs few times. but it always got deleted at the very last minute as I was about to finish it. I thought that it was fairly unecessary to post blogs. Somemore, as there is much things happenning around, I sincerely felt the slight of laziness to post the troubles and pains publicly. today, i have really decided to post up at least one blog on the year 2007. Well, 2006 has been a great year. But I believe 2007 will be better yet

Upon this oppotunity, I’d like to share a small testimonial with all. With God’s grace, I have manage to get my semester results better than I have imagine. I have taken full units last semester, all dealing with heavy assignments. At the same time, I was coping with 2 jobs, both morning and nite. So, apparently i barely have time to study. Even if I have the time, it would much be used as my resting time. Upon the coming of the final examination, similar situation. I do not hope much for my results, as long as I pass, I would be dearly glad. But, God grace is so sufficient that it jsut over flows my small cup, and I sincerely Thank God for his blessings and grace =)

Christmas was good, new year was good. Everything was all good, and full of celebration with good friends around. And not forgetting, gb was good too. entirely, I felt that I might have been given too much of a freedom. Too much until I figured that I jsut lose control of it. Lose control of freedom? I use to hunger for freedom all the time. primary, secondary until uni. Has this freedom jsut went over my head too much that it was not me that control him, but  being the one controled. uncontrollable that I have not know what should I do with it but to follow the flow of freedom and a slave of it.

apart from having too much of a freedom, was not that bad anyways. at least, i can still make minor decisions for myself and life in Perth had always been good, and pleasant. I’m beginning to love the life of being a lone ranger, where there are no burden to be worried about. I love my life~ =)