>.

this week, has been the toughest week. not physically challenging, but mentally struggling. i have finally found what i really wanted to do the most. but was being rejected attempting to charge for it. i seek help almost every single corner, even through my relatives, but i know, slightly what will be the answer. what can i do? i was angry, upset, frustrated, annoyed. but going back to the main point, WHAT CAN I DO? i cant do anything. i couldnt even sleep that night, trying to figure a solution to save it, but where is the help?

looking at the cert, i was trilled for that night, but after that, i really tried hard to sustain it. but seemingly i’d have to kill it even before it started. this place is a everyone for themselve’s place. i hate this place! when they are desperate for help, "oh esther, can u help me.. " "oh esther, u got discounts on these rite, can u help me.." i felt very very disgust and wanna throw up. how can u even ask for my help now, that u’ve rejected my need? so what u are PR? so what u got a permanent job? so what? u dun even know the word "hardship".

after this incident, everything was seemingly clear for everyone. even my relatives here. my grandma once trusted them so much, reckoning that they would bring great help and support for me becoz we are RELATED! but it turns out the opposite way. what can we do? she cried and cried, felt sad for me, coz of what i had to gone through. and expect that help is on the way but turns out to be NOT.

i gave myself 1 week’s time, to settle things down. at least to recover from my frustration. it is seemingly God is telling me its not the right time. as i started to wonder and ponder of His answer, im starting to realise through this incident, He has let me see more clearly of the ways of human. and how the word love ur enemy should be reflected. eventhough i know i couldnt lift myself up to love these disgusting people, but i realise that, that was the main topic that have kept me from moving forward. and He knows that i would be going through valley after this incident, so He constantly keep reminding me that He is with me, overseeing everything.

I started to understand why He had reminded me not to be overly through with what i am doing, becoz He knows that when im really focusing on the wordly things, i would lost concentration of my beliefs.

^ when there are more shit people around, you will see things the worldly things more clearly. NO SHIT!^

happy new year everyone! i know its the 4th day of the chinese new year, and im really sorry that im late to greet. i have been really busy from day till dawn, or u may say midnight every since i started my new job. it was great to learn new things, new products, new challenges, meeting new people around, and not forgetting new shits, of coz… no kidding…. =.=

anyways, i called back last night, thinking that today i start work at 11 something, so, i probably had some time calling back home, and sleeping in a lil bit. i felt so relieved, touched, and soooo missed! on the very moment i heard my big uncle’s gentle voice saying, how are u? i break down and cry. i know its a bit weird, but i have not talked to my big uncle for so long, and missed him so much! i always know that he’s always the gentle and considerate type, i thought that i could actually survived and not cry, but seeming i cant. aw….! oh man.. i really missed them so much. they have really played big important roles in my life. and for me not being able to talk to them for such a long time.. it really breaks me down. not forgetting my aunts, my dearest grandma,oh… i know that it has been really tough for everyone of us to be over with my mom’s death. i really felt very very sorry everytime my grandma thought about my mom, every time, she think about my mom, or we talked about her, she would cry. i felt very very loved and pampered everytime im with my grandma. she had loved me dearly and are always concern of my well being. i am always sticking around with my grandma and grandpa every since im young. coz me and ison was their very 1st grandchilden, they had loved me and ison dearly. i can still remember every morning, grandma and grandpa would bring me to the market, to get some vegetables, grocerries, and my big time favourite pandan jelly. And everytime, grandpa would carry me around introducing all the old folks that im their grand daughter. really miss those times. haiz…
but anyhow, no matter what situation or what may come, you guys will always be first in my heart. i felt so loved when u all were waiting for my call on chinese new year, and blame me for calling back so late. im sorry, but really felt the love of being important in ur hearts. happy new year! =D