>.

<i just want you to be happy>… was it something i said? or did i just got sensitive? was it me? or was it the outer issues? im really sorry.. but there are just sooo many thoughts running in my little head. i do not know how to describe it.. why do i feel that now there’s like a wall between us? its like an invisible wall, where i can see u, but i could barely run over to ur side. but why i could really feel u sometimes? what is in ur mind? i really wanted to know.. i am really trying hard to build up ur courage.. did it ever worked?

u said u just want me to be happy… but do u know whats the best thing that made me happy most? ever since i came to perth, nothing has made me ever happy. coming to perth was like a run away plan, and there are no way i could find enjoyments, friends, love, or you. it doesn matter if we dun have fancy dinner, romantic events or even teh differences between u and me. im happy just to have bubble tea break with u, going to the park, to the lake, riding on the bounty’s revenge,ice skating, buying you breakfasts, getting your calls, chilling out at computer labs, texting u, watching a movie with u (even though i know u just want to keep me company while u are dead tired), doing pranks on you or the other way round… im happy that i could just be with u… you dun have to say anything anymore, coz i remember the things taht you told me before. FYI, =) you are the one that could fluctuate my emotions… how i hope now u could have read my blog, and be firm of how i felt…

love,
wobble beans…

你你你! 对! 我就在说你! 你说你是不是犯贱! 当我超想你时， 你就装出一副不理不采的样子! 好啦，现在不理 你了， 你又来找我。 你说! 你是不是犯贱! 你个乌龟王八蛋! 以后都不理你了! 给你慢慢受! 他妈的气死!

-wobble beans-

i know im holding too tight. im sorry. sometimes i cant help it. becoz im scare that everyone that i love would slip away in a blink. i am scare.. that i might lose you.. probably you might not have notice, but i am actually very glad that you intrude into my life. and i really wish that you could continue on forever. i might have portraited myself to be the forever courageous esther bean, but i reckon you have realise my deepest darkest secret. that night when u drove me home while i was dropped into depression, i have rejected everything that you have said. i was pushing you away. i wanted so much to say YES! but things just come out no… i would really want to say YES on saturday nite, YES on cherry drink, YES on all your pranks. but i am scare that if i say YES, i’d be putting myself even deeper into you. should i say your cowardness has made me afraid and fragile? i dunno know. i was once so brave. but…

i do not understand why.. i was afraid that this thing that we share would turn out to be a burden for you. that night, straight after getting off your car, i cried. cried so hard that i dun even know why am i crying. it was for the 1st time im not crying over her but you. crying over the NOs that i have said to you. i so wanted to tell you, when i saw you. but i have no courage even to tell you anything. will courage come back to me if i get myself away from you? i dun know… maybe?

sometimes i wonder if it would be better if you could read my blog, or would it be better if this blog is forever kept away from you. i dun know. becoz i reckon you wouldn care much too. would you? but no matter how we would end up to be, i just want to be around you for now. coz i could really find myself when i am with you.

wobble beans

it was cold, wet and freezing. i could almost felt the rain drops pouring on my head even i have the umbrella in between. why did it rained today? i wonder.. coz of this cold weather.. it makes me think of you more. wondering.. where are u? what are u doing? who are u with? have u taken ur lunch? did u went for bubble tea without me? what flavour u might have taken? did u miss me? are u thinking about me now? coz of this cold weather.. it really makes me misses u more… miss ur warmth, miss ur breathing under ur nose, miss ur calls, ur unpredictables, just miss ur everything in this cold weather.. =)

are u the one? i… dun know.. i hope u are, but are u? probably u might be asking the similar question, am i the one? i dunno either. but one thing i know, if we dun try, we never know if we are the ones. even u didn say anything, i was glad, becoz i know u showed ur affection in a different way. and that is all i needed. nothing else. i was glad u tried to make things work out for us, and i was glad that things did come through as we stumble across several miles of stones.

today was pretty depressing for me compared to other days. u probably might have noticed. i know u are trying hard to make me understand its for the best of the future, and i was trying hard not to understand instead. have i fell too deep? i was afraid of the uncertainties that might come ahead. and us. becoz u did not say anything, it makes me even more worried. i almost wanted to cry, but i tried very hard to hold my emotions so that u wont feel guilty about it. bubble tea was always nice, but today’s bubble tea was slightly harder to chew and to swallow.. probably we had put through too many sagos.. should i say its ur fault? no.. coz i agreed to put in more sagos with you. u dun like the ones taht i have. did i make the wrong order?

God told me to pray hard tonite, choo yiyi reminded me the same thing. tonite, i shall pray really hard. for my sake, and for our sake. i really hope things would really come through this time as it has always came through last time.

wobble esther beans

memorable day with him. went to adventure world, and it was absolutely great. we went on to the water slides, tunnel of terror, singles, bounty’s revenge, roller coaster so many times. spent almost the whole day running around getting most of the rides as much as possible. not bad for exercise for such a long time. but i still love the bounty’s revenge the most eventhough it scares the hell out of me. coz he was there. he was there to hold my hand, assuring me that everything will be fine.. coz.. he will be there to catch me even if i fall =) *touched* eventhough he didn say anything about us, but his actions has gave me the courage to not give up, and hold on to him as tight as possible. now.. regardless if i were to go back tomorrow, i will be back here again for him. can love be more simpler? =)

love,
beans