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what a beautiful sunday today =) the sun was up on the sky, the wind was breezing nicely, although i was really sick, i still enjoyed this wonderful weather that God You have given to us. i stayed in bed for quite sometimes before i got up, thinking and searching of the things that are troubling me all these while… having no money, was always the issue. assignments? yes.. stressing up with alot of assignments ahead… and another lab test that is due as soon as uni starts. what else… BGR going good and bad around, having friends breaking up, getting together, breaking up, gettin together, arh…! is this just too much? or is this just what we call life? i really doubt it… i cried last nite, for no reason. as i woke up this morning, asking myself why did i ever cried last nite?? was it becoz of rhys? was it becoz of stress? was it becoz of assignments? was it becoz of money? no.. it was just becoz of me. i have to admit it, i do easily get affected by happenings around. when my friends broke up, and talk about suckiness.. it made me feel very sad. it made me feel scared that i might be the victim of this fragile life itself. where everything can literally tear me apart, and shatter all my courage. i do fear…
as i took the bus to the church today, i wasn feeling very well. was coughing, and having that damn stupid flu all the way. i felt really blank… i went in for the sunday service, sat down in one of the corners, still having those anxiety within me struggling to cry it out, but couldn, i prayed very hard inside for a helping hand… why am i feeling so blue today Lord! as i stood up and sing hymns, listenning to the sermon today, praying with everyone else, i can slightly felt the calm inside of me. slowing my tears down, my anxiety, and my thinkings. i guess at one point, i just need to stop thinking… i need to get a fair bit of rest.. Rhys was right, im tired, i should rest… but at the same time, i had wished he was here with me last night, just to keep me company. i know he is tired, and that he had a long night, so i didn really say it… but i was glad he was willing to listen to me blah-ing the whole night… thank beans…
After the service, i went home, took a bath, got ready and went to uni. i wasn sure what i was going to do in uni, but i should get my stuff sorted out 1st. of these whole time, im still missing him heaps… =)

wobble beans

Hm… im here again… i was here few days ago, and im here again. whats wrong? i dun know.. i guess i just got affected. one of my friends broke up lately, and it really affected me. it made me scared at one point, coz one of the reasons they broke up was that there is no compromise between them. he dun really know what she wants, and she was always trying to keep him happy… i feared.. i got upset.. huh… fate really does like to fool us around…

Memories part3.. why suddenly memories part3? i dun really know… everytime when im upset, i just got use of thinking back all those things that you and i have gone through… maybe you didn realised, but, it really meant alot to me. i had wished so much i could turned back time, adn took a photo down on every of the things you did for me and the every single time that you have touched my heart dearly. im sorry for being so clingy… it wasn intentional… its just that, we have so different working times, and we really hardly ever get together! sometimes i wanted to see you so badly! but i know you are tired, so i just bit my lips, and tell myself to hold it! just, dun bother you resting or doing anything you are doing.. im always waiting for your calls, your messages, and always waiting for you to say im coming over now! or i want to see you! or just you asking me out! im always waiting! i dunno why im like this.. im always missing you! and just couldn get you off my mind!

while at work today, i keep constantly checking my phone, hoping that i’ll get your miss calls, your messages, asking how i am.. but i didn get any.. was a little disappointed, so i kept folding cutleries… until suddenly you appear right in front of me! with a bubble tea! i am really speechless.. dunno what to say.. coz i’ve been waiting for you the whole morning.. and the only thing i could think of was.. thats too many jellies in that bubble tea.. LOL! i know its stupid.. but.. dun forget.. you still make me choke!!! GAH!!! =D

and i remembered the times i always buy those subway cookies, waiting in that stupid little box, hoping that  you will coincidentally come by to carousel, and coincidentally I was working, and you HAPPENED to went pass my work place, and COINCIDENTALLY i have some snacks to treat you! was everything planned or just.. really that coincident? ever since the 1st time, i’ve always buy subway cookies waiting for you in that little box… hoping that you will coincidentally come by again. coincident… =) i love our beautiful coincidents. to tell you the truth.. even up till today… everyday if im working, i’ll always looking into the crowds, hoping to find your presence… i really dun know why am i acting this way.. we have been together for a while, and you are always always in my mind. i really cant help it! you just have to get use to it.. =)

u still remember all the times we went out for movies, and i always asked you for your tickets? i kept them nicely in my treasure box! =) dun ask me where is my treasure box.. coz im not going to tell you..! unless.. hm…

Anyways, have to say congratulations to Caren, coz she’ve found her love, and Yay! we’re having a BbQ finally in monday! very very excited! and a late congratulation to Alex, Yay! for your new job! and to Rhys, Thank you for going through my tough times holding my hand. i do enjoy your bubble tea =)

arggggggg!!! damn it!!! why am i gettin sick at this time!!! grrrrrr!!!!! but then again, was it the right time to get sick? hahaha.. Rhys said its never the right time or wrong time to get sick. i might say both. you might not think the same, or probably you might think im being really really naive, but i dun care, mreh, thats how i think! and i know rhys would appreciate it. being sick, is not what i had in PLANNED exactly. especially on a wednesday where we were both having a day off and on a sunny bright wednesday, where there is no other disturbance. we could have went out, do something, went to the beach, or for dinner, or lunch, but NOOOOOO! the stupid cough and flu just caught me right on tuesday…

after we came back from araluen, i was feeling so uncomfortable, tat i just want to pass out, or just sleep! when Penna was disturbing me, i barely had the energy to fight back.. i had to hide behind Rhys everytime while he was cooking us dinner.. then after, i went to take a rest in his room, while he cooked our dinner. he then came in to check on me to see if im doing alright, and found that i wasn feeling that comfortable, so INSISTING! he made me drink a dose of teh cough syrup… i hated taking medicine.. so much, i could just rather drink 5 days of water i’d not take thestupid mmedicine. but, as much as i hated medicine, i loved him much much more. when i see that he is getting upset that im not listenning to him and not taking the medicine, i’d rather take teh medicine to make him happy, coz i know he did all these for my sake. then he went out to contnue cooking dinner.. LOL!

talking about dinner, he made me a huge steak, and tasty baked potatos! yummmmm! and i have to admit, he can definitely cook superb steak! =D it was really really good! after dinner, i went to his room, to get some shut eyes as i can just feel myself falling apart from this sickies.. my head was getting dizzier, my throut felt like burning, i can feel my bones aching, my energy slipping away, and just literally getting super sick..

after they finish up the movie (did i mention they were watching a movie? yea.. they were..), he came in to see if im doing alright, and see if i wanted to go home.. i had wanted to get up, but my head was so heavy that i just want to snooze for a while.. i ahd wanted to go home, just so he can sleep in his own bed, adn not getting my germs.. after he read the mail that i wrote for him, he insisted that i stayed at his place, and said taht he will take care of me.. i felt really really loved, adn cared =) he fed me anotehr dose of the cough syrup, and put me to bed while he lay beside me. i fetl really really touched. i just got up, borrowed one of his shirt, get changed, switch off the lights, and went to bed.

on the next day, i thought he was going to send me home, and he’l go hang out or catch up with his friends, but instead, he insisted me staying in bed, keeping me warm and cozzy, gave me another 2 dose of the cough syrup, and insisted i rest for the day at his place. we had a little bit of a negotiation, and i end up staying in bed, adn he was off to carousel to get me some codrals, and some food. i felt alot better thereafter having a long day of rest, having him with me.

Dear Rhys,
it wasn the blanket or the cough syrup or the dinner, or the codrals that made me warm.. You made me warm.. and i love your warmth.. =)

love, Esther beans

Happy mooncake festival all, =)

Hm… i guess everyone would be wondering why the hell am i on friendster blog during this day? isnt this suppose to be the day that everyone is out, with friends, family, and just enjoying the romantic atmosphere under the moonlight? well.. not for me i guess.. im having a mid exam on tuesday.. i really wished i could.. but i canT… i had wasted one whole saturday playing ling ping’s stupid online game until i got tired and went to bed (LOL!) i know i should be the one to blame.. but mreh~ =D so i thought tonight, i SHALL! study hard.. probably after 1 or 2 game.. LOL! (si xing bu gai..! =.=) plus, rhys is working tonite, ling hong is out with church member, sharon is cramming on her assignment, lily would probably be enjoying this special day with her beloved hubby and family, lan yiyi and choo yiyi is out for dinner as well, GAH! where is everyone!!! so pathetic.. similar as my 22nd birthday.. spent my night eating mee goreng adn watching Big Brother… BUT! different from that! im spending the night, having my DD text and notes NEXT to me, had the song <where is the love?> by black eyed peas playing, eating sweet red bean biscuits and drinking my iced lemon tea… hm… i missed home alot.. sometimes where there are alot of undesireable things happening, it really gave me the urge, to just discard everything here and just run… it felt like my innerself was about to burst out crying to me physcially, tearing me apart, wanting to just go home.

am i depressed? no im not.. i probably am previously but i got over with it… i guess we are really just pure human where we went down the valley once a while adn climbed up the hills when things are really going according to us. today just felt really normal, just a bit stressed up by this stupid exam…

I’ve read a couple of my friend’s blog, felt that life is really fragile, we could just be defeated by small little matters, adn it could be really strong, where we could just regained ourselves in time! well, to my dear friends that are going thru the valley, please keep holding on. rainbow would always appear after the rain =)

anyways, have a good night everyone, happy mooncake festival from me at the moment. =)

love,
Esther

have u ever noticed when u’re reading one of his books, and just felt and noticed him staring at u for no reason?
and when u turned to him, he just gives u that warm smile back to you, and made u smiled back to him =)

have u ever felt so happy or thrilled even a single text message from him saying YO! would make u jump over the fence, running to a touch down, touching the sky and dancing with the moon?
and when u get his replies, it just literally made ur day brightens up alot more?

have u ever felt that love could be just so simple as 123? but it could be as complicated as the square root of 123 with a differentiation. i dun need any fancy candle light dinner, la premiere, or expensive cakes or surprises everyday. simply, i’ll could be so happy when u call. or telling me u are coming over to my place to hang out. or making dinner together at ur place or reading books together, it would simply made me happy when i know the reason was you.

Realised that i dun need you to tell me anything if you dun want to. by listenning to your heartbeat, it tells me everything.. i know you are not always outspoken or upfront, thats why you had seldom said i love you to me. it makes it really important and priceless to me as i know when u say it, u mean it. sometimes when u hugged me to tight, i know you are saying i love you too…

i often find myself sitting in front of the computer, thinking about you, gazing at the photos that we took before, and just think of the good times we have had before. and sometimes i would find myself remembering how we use to text all the time from day till night, and day till night, or when the times u always come and visit me with a surprise scare, our 1st kiss, 1st hug, 1st fight, 1st movie together, 1st time holding your hand officially, 1st bubble tea, 1st donut, 1st asian meal, 1st of everything…Getting a gazillion miss calls from you when i forgot to call you back, or text you back, or even getting a call at work from you just to know that im safe.  sometimes i would find myself waiting or expecting the cellphone to ring and hoping that i will see your picture coming up, knowing that u are looking for me, and felt taht i was completely blind in sight of love.

what is all these? why dun i feel them before? Issit just love or issit you?

I love you too beans, =)